i masturbated in a public toilet today. and i left my semen on the counter.
oh wait, i should probably preface that by saying that the wife and i are attempting to conceive and are experiencing a little bit of difficulty in doing so. therefore, we both need to be examined to ensure we both are viable and fertile.
so, at lunch today, i headed over to the hospital where i was unceremoniously shuffled into a bathroom and given a specimen cup. the nurse, or whoever she was, told me to leave the cup on the counter when i was done.
i had the option of doing it at home and transporting the...ahem...product to the hospital, but we live about an hour from it and i would need to get it there in an hour and a half. that seemed too close to me, so i chose the second option: making a deposit at the hospital.
let me tell you, guys (and girls, i suppose), there is something really unnerving about being led into a bathroom (by a woman no less) to perform something as intimate as that, with everyone else out there knowing what you're doing. and as unnerving as walking into the bathroom is, walking out is even worse; your face flush with blood, your forehead sweating, your pants oddly bulged...never mind.
i’d been practicing for this moment for many years, so it didn’t take me long; but then, i suddenly got nervous that the speed at which i was able to produce a sample would be noticed by the nurse and the receptionists and the other patients in the waiting room, so i waited. i washed my hands.
i waited, until enough time passed that it would seem like i’m capable of sustained excitement. i left the bathroom and told the nurse on my way out that the sample was on the counter.
when i got back to work, i felt fabulous: relaxed, vigorous, focused. i noticed a veritable bounce to my step. i bounded up the stairs, taking two at a time. i pinged around the hallways like a plebe cadet. if only i’d known that a lunchtime discharge would produce such a feeling of bliss and tranquility i would’ve jerked off in the bathroom at lunch every day.
if it sounds like i'm oddly proud of the fact that i masturbated in a public toilet and left my semen on the counter, i am. well, maybe not proud so much as strangely not embarrassed.
now that it's over.
UPDATE: when i got home i told my wife about what i went through. she said she was proud of me for doing it, and in a bathroom. so, i guess my pride isn't all that strange. or maybe we're both weirdoes, i don't know.
she also said it sounded kinda odd that i had to do this in the bathroom. it was definitely a semen analysis, but i suddenly got scared that maybe they only needed a urine sample. for christ's sake, i said, i left that poor nurse a sample of semen and all she watned was some pee. she was probably wondering what took me so long (well...) and what all those noises in there were. i'm fairly certain i did everything right, but my wife has given me a fright by suggesting it.
it is rather strange, though, that i had to do this in a bathroom. i always thought it would be some kind of room, with videos or magazines (for stimulation). certainly i'd hoped it wasn't covered in shag with stained couches and recliners -- stainless steel to facilitate a complete hosing down would be best -- but, never in my wildest dreams did i imagine it would be a bathroom.
and, the least the nurse could've done was give me a hand (thank you thank you. remember to tip your waitress...).
but, nope. all i got was a specimen cup, a sterile bathroom and my imagination.
i suppose it's good thing it turns out i'm a pervert.