yesterday, sitting in my mailbox, was the first 2 broadsides of the Guerilla Poetics Project. i did my part by hiding a quarter of them in a store in West Jordan, Utah; and will finish by hiding the remaining ones in the downtown Salt Lake Library and in a few stores around there. these hidden broadsides will fill a hole in the poetry publishing arena. we are plugging the gaps, filling the voids.
and, on top of that great news, is a touch of bad.
after my wife's scare three weeks ago, we aren't able to handle too much more; but, life just has a way of piling shit on top of shit.
yesterday, we decided to see a movie but had to suddenly leave when i started feeling anxious and clammy and had bizarre heart palpitations. i figured i'd finally contracted the virus that had been making the rounds at work. we went home, and i stayed up late into the night with the chills, the weird heart palpitations and a shortness of breath.
it lingered into today, so i decided i probably should get it checked out. just in case.
well, it turns out i have a congenital heart defect that i was never aware of. apparently, there is a hole in my heart, between the two atria which is causing the palpitations. it isn't life-threatening (meaning, i won't die from it) but it is concerning as they have been known to cause clots that could lead to stroke, etc.
i will be setting up an appointment with a cardiologist later this week, will get a cardiac echo and will most likely have to have surgery to close the hole.
it's strange, having something like this, that you were born with, that you knew nothing about. and it manifests itself only 3 weeks after the fright we had with my wife. it's too soon for this shit. luckily, it's not THAT bad. if the hole were between the ventricles, i wouldn't be home now and, instead, would be having open heart surgery as i write this. the surgery to repair this hole is pretty damn slick and can be done going through an artery.
anyway, the hole in my heart will be plugged much like we are doing with the Guerilla Poetics Project. suturing a gap that severely needs to be done.
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15 comments:
Well, okay...we push through this too, slowly, steadily...I got this fortune cookie today:
"As A Cure For Worry, Work Is Better Than Whiskey."
Apparently my reputation preceeded me at the China King. Those dman little cookies never did have an appreciation for my DEEP & GORGEOUS THIRST!
Which is to say this: You got lots on your plate to haunt your mind...let your feet do some walking, you're hands do some STICKING, & let's just keep PLUGGIN' AWAY. I was tempted to turn on the heavens themselves just months ago, scream to anyone who'd listen that GODDAMMIT, THIS ISN'T FAIR! You're right...it isn't. But fair or not, it's YOURS TO CARRY...so get to carrying. It's only when we see how precious & temporary we all are that we finally appreciate what we have. If sorrows planted yeild joy--my friend, you are due for some beautiful days...so make sure you & J get there to see them. Slow, my friend, steady. "Everything will be okay...even if it's not"-- M.Scott Meier
thanks Hosho.
yes, the wife and i have been put through the wringer, but i'm actually not freaking out about this one. no sense. i did my freaking out.
it isn't fair, but nothing is. it's no less fair than me doing what i am doing (working, writing, loving) and the man under the bridge not.
so, yes, the best cure is living. i will be plugging those holes tomorrow. with gusto and hellfury. my heart may be weak, but my will is not.
thank you Hosho.
i like that quote:
"Everything will be okay...even if it's not."
fucking true.
jesus christ, where will it end?
so we both have heart conditions! we oughta start a club!
i should make my appointment for my echo, too ...
well, j.b that's just great. why did you go and put a hole in your heart? you desperate for some attention now that your wife is feeling a bit better?
disgusting. you should be ashamed of yourself.
but I guess, feel better...
;)
damn justin, take care of that heart, my friend. people are always talking about having a hole in their hearts' in songs or when they're missing something. looks like you have a real hole, which can hopefully be filled with hope, life, and projects such as GPP.
How about those Gators?
Glenn,
i know. crazy. we could be known as The Heart Defects: a vagabond crew of poets...
funny.
Chris,
you know i couldn't let my wife stand by and get all this attention. screw that. what about me? what about me? you know, she said the same thing driving home from the ER. jokingly, i think. but, i think she was halfway serious. like, i took a Phillips-head screwdriver, shoved it into my heart and caused this hole just to spite her. ha! :)
Luis,
thanks man...i thought the same thing. maybe that's why i like the sad poems and sad songs. because i do have a hole.
funny thing is this explains so much in my life. i am constantly tired. morbidly so. i can't ever seem to get enough sleep, i can't walk or hike very long, get easily winded while exercising. i can't gain any weight (i know, i know...not necessarily a bad thing, but still). it might all be attributed to this thing. once i get repaired, you suckers best watch out.
i'll be bionic and shit.
but my poetry will still only be shit. ha! :)
one of those synchronicities: i wrote a poem about having a hole in my heart, just a few weeks ago. in the poem, i put the hole on a chain and hung it around my neck. then i grew tired of the weight and took it to the pawn shop. but here's the scary part: at the end of the poem I ask, "I wonder who has the hole, now?"
* cue up twilight zone music *
glenn,
jesus....well, certainly i blame you, now!
what an odd bit...you and i have discussed synchronicity in our lives at length...this one takes the cake though.
next, i write about selling my small penis to a pawn shop, then he selling it and wondering who now has it...
maybe that'll get you back!
ha.
Holy Jesus and Mary Chain
I mean in the name of good feck, how pissed off must you be?
Maybe you’re a better man than me, I know I'd be angry to have that amount of shit rained down on me in one go.
Just hope that all goes as best as it can go. oh and yeah, don’t go expectin another card like ;)
justin,
I read this yesterday, like I said in the email, but could not respond. It was almost like I wouldn't allow it to register. And like I said, I really think it's someone else's turn now. You've both had enough.
Good vibes still coming your way!
Glenn, that's very...uhm, scary? :)
Brian,
Holy Jesus and Mary Chain! Your expressions always crack me up. You once said to me Christ on a Bicycle and I STILL think of that and laugh. :)
anyone else find it strange that out of 12 replies to a post concerning a heart defect no one has used the opening narration of the six million dollar man to any comedic effect.
"Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better. Stronger. Faster."
yeah, that about sums it up.
Owen,
the 300 pounds thing won't happen. this slender and slight frame couldn't hold that kind of weight.
and as for basketball. EVEN WITH the hole in my heart i would school you like Jordan schooled Craig Ehlo, like Shaq schooled Greg Ostertag, like David schooled Goliath.
now, with the hole repaired, you'd have no chance. i'm actually thinking of entering my name into next year's draft after the surgery. i mean, really, who WOULDN'T want a 33 year old playground legend with a repaired hole in his heart? REALLY?
and the Make-a-wish crack was funny, but funnier still is after i demoralize you in basketball, you'd be so psychologically traumatized it would be YOU that would need to have your wish fulfilled. BUT, even more ironic that wish would be to beat me in a game of one-on-one and even on my knees with my hands (NO...the hole in my heart) tied behind my hands, i beat you 21-19.
sad, really.
okay, the 6-foot-4, 180 pound, ailing poet with the impaired heart must go. just remember i warned you that i'd be unstoppable after the surgery. you mere mortals are in for it.
After the surgery there'll be no reason why you can't go fight in Iraq, either. NO MORE EXCUSES!
You just might be able to turn things around, over there ... ha!
As for me, well, I have flat feet.
180lbs?
This 5'5 ish former point guard
might be able to post you up.
I was 180 two years ago, don't
ask me how much I weigh now...
And I could always fall back on
the three, you never leave me open.
OWEN:
Honey's Dead, got that tape.
Never did see J&MC though.
Ha!
The book is on the microwave,
or is in the microwave?
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