04 June 2008

driving

i want to take some time to discuss driving. we all do it, and we all hate it. or, at least i do. why do i hate driving so much? it's because of dipshits like you (well, actually i hope you guys aren't the dipshits out there, but maybe you are). i drive over 50 miles a day to commute to my ever-loving job, half of it highway and half of it residential; and it never fails that i will encounter at least one (usually multiple) asshole/idiot/timid driver every single day.

so, what do i see out there? i see people who don't drive with a purpose. driving without purpose is far and away my worst pet peeve. if you don't know where you're going, and you don't know how to get there, and you don't know when you're expected to be there, then do not get in your car and start driving around. if you do have places to be, then fucking go there already. driving without purpose and on a cell phone is liable to get you killed (and not necessarily by an accident, unless me ramming my arm down your throat and pulling out your spine can be considered an accident).

i also notice a shit-ton of people who brake inappropriately (which might not be a big deal when going 20mph, but is a big fucking deal when going 75 on an interstate), who are too timid to make the lane change ("i see someone in my side-view mirrors, oh god...he's nearly 4 miles close to me...what do i dooooo?"), who are too preoccupied with their breakfasts or phone conversations or whatever the fuck else they are doing to realize i'm on their ass in the left lane and flashing my lights for them to move the hell over.

things to watch out for:
1) cars with temporary tags. they are new cars, or at least new to the driver. the driver is either still figuring out the car, or not willing to drive it properly lest they scratch their precious vehicle. be aware of these folks, and prepare for sudden, inexplicable braking as they learn the intracacies of their brakes.

2) Kias, Daewoos, Suzukis. i have no idea why these cars have drivers who have no idea what they hell they are doing, but it seems to be true. now, i know i'm generalizing here. hell, i drive a Saturn and Saturns could easily be lumped in there as well. anyway, invariably, whenever i'm behind a Kia i get caught up in some kind of morass of idiocy as the driver attempts to make an exit on the Interstate, from the left lane, at 35mph or some other such dumbfuckery. the new breed of tiny car is also a part of this, as are the hybrids. (Yaris, Scion, Matrix, Prius, etc.). i have no idea why this is so, but maybe morons are just attracted to this sort of car. i don't know.

3) BMWs. just watch out. trust me.

okay, i'm done with my rant. i apologize if i offended you. if i did, it’s about time you learn how to fucking drive. if i didn't, you probably deal with this crap every day, too, and nodded along.

go ahead and leave a comment of your driving pet peeves. i’m sure there are many. hell, maybe i’m the kind of driver that pisses you off. maybe you can’t stand those drivers who know where they’re going, how to get there and when they need to be there. if so, tough shit.

watch where you’re going folks, follow the flow of traffic and don’t drive distracted. and always be sure to have a purpose for getting behind the wheel.
be safe.

8 comments:

christopher cunningham said...

please use your turn signal, and if YOU cut ME off, please don't give ME the finger when I blow my horn at you or pull out my pistol and cap a few rounds in your direction.

thanks.

j.b said...

for sure.
directionals...how did i miss that. i fucking hate it when people don't use them.

ATTENTION ASSHOLES:
blinkers are NOT for your benefit. they are for the rest of the drivers around you. it's so they know what the fuck you are doing, even if you aren't too sure yourself. be courteous, use them. but even beyond that, use them because it might prevent me from accelerating towards you, swerving into you and taking your stupid ass out!

and the aggressive, irate driver who has the gall to flip you off after cutting you off? Argggh! that really torques me off...

christopher cunningham said...

jb, what physics property makes it so two douchebag assholes, both on cell phones and both eating lunch, do not constantly collide with each other? I mean, all the time these shits barely miss running into each other in some sort of catalysmic conflagration as they blindly pursue their own idiocies...

Anonymous said...

with oil prices the way they are, people have stopped asking me why i don't drive. i feel like a genius for having made this no-car-no-driving decision many years ago. i knew i'd win out in the long run.

-- Glenn

Luis said...

J.B., you'd hate L.A. traffic & drivers. Every bastard has a cell phone while driving (I still have not bought a cell phone-ever); &
in the rain, this is when drivers decide to drive past the speed limit; and be wary of mothers & some fathers driving their kids to school, who pay no attention to stop signs or speed limits near school or in the school parking lots...& whenver someone cuts me off of late, I just laugh & think to myself, doesn't this bastard know I might have sleep apnea; I'll probably end up ramming the bastard (this goes to the one's the cut you off & suddenly put on their brakes & reduce speed)...

Anonymous said...

Beautiful!

Couldn't agree more. The thing that truly pisses me off the most are the people who have their head so far up their ass they can't remember why they got in the car. And the timid. Hate them more than the hyper-aggressive nutjobs, weaving in an out of traffic like the highway is their own personal video game (but I do hate them, too).

j.b said...

cc-
that physics principle is the little-known repelling douchebags principle, part of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle. very quantum.

very aggravating.

glenn-
you couldn't get away with it in most American cities, save NY, Boston and maybe a few more. the public transit infrastructure in America is lacking (at best). wish i could take a bus to work.

Jeff-
yes, timid drivers. my god. they cause more accidents than even distracted drivers. take control of the fucking car, and drive to your goddamn destination already! the hyper-aggressive nutjobs are maddening, but at least they know where the hell they are going...right?

mjp said...

I sympathize, having spent more than 7 years commuting 80+ miles round trip in Los Angeles freeway traffic. If there is a driving hell, I have done my time.

But I also have to throw in a smug and terribly cruel, "I moved, and now I get to work in 15 minutes without even seeing a freeway!"

Sorry. It just feels good to say it.