it's been a while since my last update. not doing much of anything. just working, working out and working on The Guerilla Poetics Project stuff.
i've decided to whip together an update as my mother said if i didn't my "fans" would be upset. what a dear.
FANS! my mother is so funny. ya gotta love her.
the only fans i have are: myself, my dog, and my mother. and i'm not even certain about my dog.
anyway, there are a few things to update:
i received my subscription copies of Poesy, the International Issue, with a wonderful interview by my Australian buddy Glenn W. Cooper. and, he's kind enough to even mention me in it. thanks Glenn. Poesy is a great journal full of good poetry.
i also, out of the blue, received a package full of Poems-For-All from Richard Hansen and the 24th St. Irregular Press for my poem counterfeit poem. i had two other poems published for Poems-For-All, a few years ago.
Lastly, we've had a 6th broadside found and registered with The Guerilla Poetics Project. this movement is gaining some serious momentum, but we still need your help. if you are not already involved, please check the website out and support us. there are a variety of ways you can help us ranging from a straight donation to purchasing donated goods to becoming an operative in the field.
17 October 2006
06 October 2006
dominating the small press
my buddy Glenn W. Cooper appears in the recently released International Issue of the journal Poesy, where not only are his poems featured, but a wonderful interview. Glenn is an amazing poet living in a cultural island and continent wasteland in the middle of the Pacific.
this is Glenn's 4th interview (2nd in print) and i am so proud of -- and happy for -- him.
and thank you, Glenn, for the plugs for my own work; you're the tits.
this is Glenn's 4th interview (2nd in print) and i am so proud of -- and happy for -- him.
and thank you, Glenn, for the plugs for my own work; you're the tits.
03 October 2006
poems are meant to be found
The Guerilla Poetics Project is barrelling along like a locomotive off its tracks; gaining speed as it careens down a treeless hill towards the small press village in the valley.
to date, five broadsides have been found of the hundreds that have been placed across this world. three of the five are even from different countries (Ireland, Canada and the US).
we are always eager to find more operatives, especially in places where we currently have no presence. if you are interested in helping us subvert the current publishing paradigm, while also connecting great writing to the masses, then check out the website and join us.
while you're there buy a chapbook or two, or one of the snazzy vinyl stickers or a set of coasters, the proceeds of which all go to the furthering of our mission.
and coming soon: a GPPReader featuring great poetry of the GPP.
this is going to be huge, folks. for once, be part of something larger than yourself; something beautiful; something immortal.
to date, five broadsides have been found of the hundreds that have been placed across this world. three of the five are even from different countries (Ireland, Canada and the US).
we are always eager to find more operatives, especially in places where we currently have no presence. if you are interested in helping us subvert the current publishing paradigm, while also connecting great writing to the masses, then check out the website and join us.
while you're there buy a chapbook or two, or one of the snazzy vinyl stickers or a set of coasters, the proceeds of which all go to the furthering of our mission.
and coming soon: a GPPReader featuring great poetry of the GPP.
this is going to be huge, folks. for once, be part of something larger than yourself; something beautiful; something immortal.
02 October 2006
for what are we paying?
my wife is required to get her blood thinning levels (known as an International Normalize Ratio; or an INR) checked every so often. She has been on Coumadin for six weeks now (with four and a half months to go, at least) and in the beginning her levels will fluctuate as the doctors try to pinpoint the correct dosage for her body chemistry and eating habits (certain foods can counteract the effectivity of Coumadin).
a therapeutic INR level is between 2.0 and 3.0 (where a 1.0 is "normal"). she has gone to the clinic weekly to get it checked out, and it's fluctuated rather wildly. it rose up to 3.7 three weeks ago, whereupon her dose was adjusted. it dropped the subsequent week to 2.4 (just about where she needs to be) and was told to come back in two weeks. being the vigilant and intelligent girl she is, she went back the next week (just last week) surmising that without an adjustment it is likely her INR had continued to plummet.
it had dropped to 2.0.
then, the doctor told her to come back in a month without adjusting her dosage! A MONTH! he obviously didn't review her chart, or the trend of her levels, or anything like that. anything BELOW a 2.0 and she is at risk to have another clot. jesus h. christ!
well, my vigilant and intelligent wife KNEW a month wasn't right as her levels had been steadily dropping, and who was to say it plateaued at 2.0? she went back this week to get it tested and lo and behold! it was at 1.6! well below the therapeutic level. if my wife wasn't vigilant and intelligent, she would've been walking around with an increased chance of having another thrombic episode, and we would've been through the same hell we just went through six weeks ago.
so, my question is this: what the hell are we paying this guy for, exactly?
insight? no.
concern? no.
expertise? no.
incomptence? apparently.
apathy? definitely!
i can tell you this, we will no longer be paying him a dime. we're looking for another clinic that can handle the workload; with doctors who care, understand trends, and with the time (or ethics) to do their job right.
and all of this now reminds me of a little joke:
Q. what do call a person who graduates last in his class in medical school?
A. doctor.
it appears we found ourselves such a guy.
a therapeutic INR level is between 2.0 and 3.0 (where a 1.0 is "normal"). she has gone to the clinic weekly to get it checked out, and it's fluctuated rather wildly. it rose up to 3.7 three weeks ago, whereupon her dose was adjusted. it dropped the subsequent week to 2.4 (just about where she needs to be) and was told to come back in two weeks. being the vigilant and intelligent girl she is, she went back the next week (just last week) surmising that without an adjustment it is likely her INR had continued to plummet.
it had dropped to 2.0.
then, the doctor told her to come back in a month without adjusting her dosage! A MONTH! he obviously didn't review her chart, or the trend of her levels, or anything like that. anything BELOW a 2.0 and she is at risk to have another clot. jesus h. christ!
well, my vigilant and intelligent wife KNEW a month wasn't right as her levels had been steadily dropping, and who was to say it plateaued at 2.0? she went back this week to get it tested and lo and behold! it was at 1.6! well below the therapeutic level. if my wife wasn't vigilant and intelligent, she would've been walking around with an increased chance of having another thrombic episode, and we would've been through the same hell we just went through six weeks ago.
so, my question is this: what the hell are we paying this guy for, exactly?
insight? no.
concern? no.
expertise? no.
incomptence? apparently.
apathy? definitely!
i can tell you this, we will no longer be paying him a dime. we're looking for another clinic that can handle the workload; with doctors who care, understand trends, and with the time (or ethics) to do their job right.
and all of this now reminds me of a little joke:
Q. what do call a person who graduates last in his class in medical school?
A. doctor.
it appears we found ourselves such a guy.
29 September 2006
words dance
i received my contributor's copy of the new words dance (issue #10), where my poem an avalanche of suffering is featured on page 15 (only like the greatest page of every single journal, apparently (or else why was i featured there?)!).
other poets featured in this issue (edited by Jessica Mahlstedt, by the way) include: Christopher Cunningham, C. Allen Rearick, William Taylor, Jr., Nathan Graziano and S.A. Griffin. it's a fabulous issue. you should check it out. your mother would be proud.
other poets featured in this issue (edited by Jessica Mahlstedt, by the way) include: Christopher Cunningham, C. Allen Rearick, William Taylor, Jr., Nathan Graziano and S.A. Griffin. it's a fabulous issue. you should check it out. your mother would be proud.
26 September 2006
benign neglect
that's what the cardiologist says the treatment for my "condition" requires. basically, he is saying that what i have (the ectopic heartbeat, or premature ventricular contractions (PVCs) and premature atrial contractions (PACs)) are entirely normal and not life-threatening.
but, that's easy for him to say.
sure, i believe him. my heart is healthy and strong. the stress test proved that. (apparently, too, i wowed them by staying on the thing for 12 minutes. it wasn't 3 minutes as i previously mentioned, but 12 whole minutes. suck it, losers! AND, that was with me out of shape. once i'm in shape, watch out.)
anyway, this good stress test is allegedly a clean bill of health for one year; meaning that there is little to no chance of anything heart-related happening to me in the next year. that's good.
but, the PVCs and PACs are very disconcerting. and scary. it's one thing to say, "don't worry about it, they are benign, ignore them" and it's another thing altogether to actually IGNORE your heart stopping and starting again. this ISN'T what is actually happens, but i'll be damned if it isn't what it feels like. i wish i got a copy of the EKG where one of these PAC occurred. it was crazy to see your heart flatlined for over 2.5 seconds, have a humongous palpitation, then continue on like nothing happened.
anyway, all in all, i'm heart healthy and should be kicking around for a while yet.
and i know that makes all of you feel just a little bit queasy, doesn't it? ha!
but, that's easy for him to say.
sure, i believe him. my heart is healthy and strong. the stress test proved that. (apparently, too, i wowed them by staying on the thing for 12 minutes. it wasn't 3 minutes as i previously mentioned, but 12 whole minutes. suck it, losers! AND, that was with me out of shape. once i'm in shape, watch out.)
anyway, this good stress test is allegedly a clean bill of health for one year; meaning that there is little to no chance of anything heart-related happening to me in the next year. that's good.
but, the PVCs and PACs are very disconcerting. and scary. it's one thing to say, "don't worry about it, they are benign, ignore them" and it's another thing altogether to actually IGNORE your heart stopping and starting again. this ISN'T what is actually happens, but i'll be damned if it isn't what it feels like. i wish i got a copy of the EKG where one of these PAC occurred. it was crazy to see your heart flatlined for over 2.5 seconds, have a humongous palpitation, then continue on like nothing happened.
anyway, all in all, i'm heart healthy and should be kicking around for a while yet.
and i know that makes all of you feel just a little bit queasy, doesn't it? ha!
24 September 2006
virus and concrete meat
Adrian Manning of Concrete Meat Press has put up a "Concrete Meat Press Suggests" page where he will feature the poetry of those poets he likes. two of my poems are up already and other poems by dozens of other poets will be appear over the next few weeks. check it out and support the small press by purchasing one of CMP's offerings.
also, i've contracted a terrible chest cold and have been convalescing for the past few days. i'm catching up on my email and correspondence, so if you i owe you one, sorry. i don't know about you guys, but i do not handle being sick very well. my wife says i revert twenty years or so into a whining teenager. i say she's wrong by about ten years. i easily act more like a whining 5-year-old than a teenager.
more poetry news: the first broadside of the Guerilla Poetics Project has been found. the new website will be up very soon which will include better broadside registration abilities, and a fabulous forum. this is getting big, folks. if you're interested in joining us as an operative, visit the site (or the blog) and let us know! we can use all the help we can get.
also, i've contracted a terrible chest cold and have been convalescing for the past few days. i'm catching up on my email and correspondence, so if you i owe you one, sorry. i don't know about you guys, but i do not handle being sick very well. my wife says i revert twenty years or so into a whining teenager. i say she's wrong by about ten years. i easily act more like a whining 5-year-old than a teenager.
more poetry news: the first broadside of the Guerilla Poetics Project has been found. the new website will be up very soon which will include better broadside registration abilities, and a fabulous forum. this is getting big, folks. if you're interested in joining us as an operative, visit the site (or the blog) and let us know! we can use all the help we can get.
14 September 2006
stationary bike
i started working out today -- riding a stationary bike for 30 minutes.
my thighs burned something fierce, but i kept up pretty good. it felt great to get the lungs puffing and the blood circulating.
tomorrow, i'll shoot for 45 minutes. any more than that and i'm sure to pass out.
my thighs burned something fierce, but i kept up pretty good. it felt great to get the lungs puffing and the blood circulating.
tomorrow, i'll shoot for 45 minutes. any more than that and i'm sure to pass out.
13 September 2006
farewell sedentary lifestyle
on Monday, i had my stress/treadmill test at the cardiologists. the doctor said his initial impression is that everything is a-ok. my heart is healthy and strong. blood is flowing properly and sufficiently. i have an appointment with him in two weeks for the final verdict, but it appears all i have is an irregular heartbeat (my heart skips a beat every so often). this is called an ectopic heartbeat. it's benign and not life-threatening, but is quite startling and disconcerting when it occurs. a skipped beat feels like the heart has stopped, then kicks back into action. scary. i did get to see what it looks like on the EKG, and it's a two second flatline followed by a sharp spike of activity. wild.
unfortunately, this condition can be aggravated by certain foods and drinks, specifically caffeine and alcohol. both do affect my arrhythmia (making it more frequent) so i now have to curtail my intake of both.
however, the diagnosis is good news. certainly could've been worse.
but, back to the stress test. having lived a fully sedentary lifestyle the last year and a half, my body is NOT used to moving in any kind of aerobic way. so, running on a treadmill was a shock to my system. the point of the test is to get the heart rate up and push the body to exhaustion so that an echocardiogram can be taken at that point (the technician had only one minute after i dismounted the treadmill to get a complete echo of the heart; this was no easy matter, trust me). an echo of the heart at exhaustion can tell a lot more than one at rest. any problem is magnified. any irregularity is revealed.
well, it didn't take long at all for me to reach exhaustion. in a matter of three minutes i was huffing and puffing, my heart rate pushing past 200 bpm, sweat dripping off of me. THREE minutes! it was embarrassing.
and today, two days later, i'm so sore that i can barely walk. pathetic.
it's so embarrassing and pathetic, that i've decided to finally get up off my bony ass and start working out. soon, i'll be taut and lithe. not really, but i'll at least be able to last longer than three minutes. that's the plan, at least.
three minutes.
man, how disappointing. i guess i know how my wife feels, now: unfulfilled, unsatisfied, left wanting. there's only so much one can do in three minutes.
unfortunately, this condition can be aggravated by certain foods and drinks, specifically caffeine and alcohol. both do affect my arrhythmia (making it more frequent) so i now have to curtail my intake of both.
however, the diagnosis is good news. certainly could've been worse.
but, back to the stress test. having lived a fully sedentary lifestyle the last year and a half, my body is NOT used to moving in any kind of aerobic way. so, running on a treadmill was a shock to my system. the point of the test is to get the heart rate up and push the body to exhaustion so that an echocardiogram can be taken at that point (the technician had only one minute after i dismounted the treadmill to get a complete echo of the heart; this was no easy matter, trust me). an echo of the heart at exhaustion can tell a lot more than one at rest. any problem is magnified. any irregularity is revealed.
well, it didn't take long at all for me to reach exhaustion. in a matter of three minutes i was huffing and puffing, my heart rate pushing past 200 bpm, sweat dripping off of me. THREE minutes! it was embarrassing.
and today, two days later, i'm so sore that i can barely walk. pathetic.
it's so embarrassing and pathetic, that i've decided to finally get up off my bony ass and start working out. soon, i'll be taut and lithe. not really, but i'll at least be able to last longer than three minutes. that's the plan, at least.
three minutes.
man, how disappointing. i guess i know how my wife feels, now: unfulfilled, unsatisfied, left wanting. there's only so much one can do in three minutes.
08 September 2006
words dance
i received word that my poem an avalanche of suffering was accepted by words dance's guest editor, Jessica Mahlstedt, for issue #10; a print issue.
i've appeared in a few previous issues of words dance -- both online and in print -- in the past. it's a fine journal of poetry filled with quality poems. check out the website and subscribe/submit.
i've appeared in a few previous issues of words dance -- both online and in print -- in the past. it's a fine journal of poetry filled with quality poems. check out the website and subscribe/submit.
the diagnosis
well,
it appears there is nothing wrong with me (or my heart that is). the cardiologist said everything looked normal, the electrical pulses and sinus rhythm looked normal, the muscle appeared normal and strong. the only thing he noticed was the membrane between the left and right atria was thin and i potentially have something called a Patent Foramen Ovale (PFO) that 25% of adults have. it isn't life-threatening and things should be fine. there is still the possibility a small hole exists, but unless i have consistent symptoms there's nothing to worry about.
i am currently wearing a Holter Monitor (a 24-hour EKG device) in order to attempt to capture the bizarre and disconcerting arrhythmia that i experience. i will be taking a treadmill/stress EKG test on Monday and will follow up in two weeks to see if there is anything they find from these new tests.
it appears all the symptoms (apart from the arrhythmia) were due to stress and panic. i'm wondering if my wife's episode just 4 weeks ago played a part in this. now that she's well and back to normal i probably started to relax and all the emotions and pent up nerves and anxiety just flooded through my body causing my heart to race and i panicked.
i'm also prone to panic attacks and high anxiety. it's one of the fabulous Barrett traits along with a very big....well...nevermind.
anyway, it appears things are well.
for those of you hoping this was the end of justin.barrett, sorry suckas!it'll take more than a bum heart to get rid of this guy.
for those well-wishers out there, thank you!
i might have a weak heart, but there ain't no keeping this bastard down. for too long, at least.
ha!
it appears there is nothing wrong with me (or my heart that is). the cardiologist said everything looked normal, the electrical pulses and sinus rhythm looked normal, the muscle appeared normal and strong. the only thing he noticed was the membrane between the left and right atria was thin and i potentially have something called a Patent Foramen Ovale (PFO) that 25% of adults have. it isn't life-threatening and things should be fine. there is still the possibility a small hole exists, but unless i have consistent symptoms there's nothing to worry about.
i am currently wearing a Holter Monitor (a 24-hour EKG device) in order to attempt to capture the bizarre and disconcerting arrhythmia that i experience. i will be taking a treadmill/stress EKG test on Monday and will follow up in two weeks to see if there is anything they find from these new tests.
it appears all the symptoms (apart from the arrhythmia) were due to stress and panic. i'm wondering if my wife's episode just 4 weeks ago played a part in this. now that she's well and back to normal i probably started to relax and all the emotions and pent up nerves and anxiety just flooded through my body causing my heart to race and i panicked.
i'm also prone to panic attacks and high anxiety. it's one of the fabulous Barrett traits along with a very big....well...nevermind.
anyway, it appears things are well.
for those of you hoping this was the end of justin.barrett, sorry suckas!it'll take more than a bum heart to get rid of this guy.
for those well-wishers out there, thank you!
i might have a weak heart, but there ain't no keeping this bastard down. for too long, at least.
ha!
06 September 2006
i LOVE mail...and an eerily prescient title
in today's mail was a fine package from S.A. Griffin, venerable poet, artist, actor living in
and, while reading through the previous posts on this blog (yes, i'm a vain egoist and i read my own posts from time to time), just before writing this, i noticed the eerily appropriate title to the post regarding my wife's own health issues: "the terror of your heart ripped from your solar plexis". it wasn't my heart that was ripped out during this ordeal, but a small hole.
my wife has that hole now. like e.e. cummings she carries my heart in her heart.
echo (updated)
i had my echocardiogram today. i won't find out the results until Friday morning, when i will see the cardiologist and he can give me the final diagnosis.
but, the echocardiogram is really fucking cool. first, the technician just searched around the front my chest, and we saw the pumps working and the valves flapping. then she went down around to the side of the chest and we saw the 4 chamber of the heart. she was even able to colorize it to see the blood flow.
then, she pulled out another instrument and we got to see my heart in 3D. and she was even able to take slices off of the 3D heart and view the inside, all the walls, the septa. it was insane. i've never seen anything like it.
also, it was all in real-time, so whatever my heart experienced could be seen on the screen. that was trippy.
before the whole echocardiogram began, the technician asked me what was going on, to get an understanding of what i was experiencing. she then asked me if there was any family history of heart problems, or any sudden deaths. i remember the ER doctor asking me the same thing when i was in there. i said no, because to the best of my knowledge there have been no heart problems in my family, either side. granted, we're not the closest of families and there are uncles i haven't seen in 20 years or more.
but, it just occured to me that my maternal grandfather died suddenly and unexpectedly when my mother was five. i'm terrified now that maybe he has some kind of heart condition. i know very little about the guy, other than his name, so it's possible he did have heart problems. i've asked my mother about it but haven't heard back from her yet.
anyway, Friday will be the day we find out the prognosis; and whether surgery will be necessary or not. i'll update when possible.
UPDATE: i heard back from my mother. my grandfather DID die of a sudden heart attack. "coronary thrombosis" was the official cause of death. FABU-fucking-LOUS! he was only 48, too. shit. i'm only 33, but that ain't too far off. so, i must inform my cardiologist of this, just to be safe. i hope that what i have is nothing related to what happened to him.
and now, i must attempt to remain calm for the next 40 hours; not gonna be easy.
but, the echocardiogram is really fucking cool. first, the technician just searched around the front my chest, and we saw the pumps working and the valves flapping. then she went down around to the side of the chest and we saw the 4 chamber of the heart. she was even able to colorize it to see the blood flow.
then, she pulled out another instrument and we got to see my heart in 3D. and she was even able to take slices off of the 3D heart and view the inside, all the walls, the septa. it was insane. i've never seen anything like it.
also, it was all in real-time, so whatever my heart experienced could be seen on the screen. that was trippy.
before the whole echocardiogram began, the technician asked me what was going on, to get an understanding of what i was experiencing. she then asked me if there was any family history of heart problems, or any sudden deaths. i remember the ER doctor asking me the same thing when i was in there. i said no, because to the best of my knowledge there have been no heart problems in my family, either side. granted, we're not the closest of families and there are uncles i haven't seen in 20 years or more.
but, it just occured to me that my maternal grandfather died suddenly and unexpectedly when my mother was five. i'm terrified now that maybe he has some kind of heart condition. i know very little about the guy, other than his name, so it's possible he did have heart problems. i've asked my mother about it but haven't heard back from her yet.
anyway, Friday will be the day we find out the prognosis; and whether surgery will be necessary or not. i'll update when possible.
UPDATE: i heard back from my mother. my grandfather DID die of a sudden heart attack. "coronary thrombosis" was the official cause of death. FABU-fucking-LOUS! he was only 48, too. shit. i'm only 33, but that ain't too far off. so, i must inform my cardiologist of this, just to be safe. i hope that what i have is nothing related to what happened to him.
and now, i must attempt to remain calm for the next 40 hours; not gonna be easy.
02 September 2006
filling the holes in our lives
yesterday, sitting in my mailbox, was the first 2 broadsides of the Guerilla Poetics Project. i did my part by hiding a quarter of them in a store in West Jordan, Utah; and will finish by hiding the remaining ones in the downtown Salt Lake Library and in a few stores around there. these hidden broadsides will fill a hole in the poetry publishing arena. we are plugging the gaps, filling the voids.
and, on top of that great news, is a touch of bad.
after my wife's scare three weeks ago, we aren't able to handle too much more; but, life just has a way of piling shit on top of shit.
yesterday, we decided to see a movie but had to suddenly leave when i started feeling anxious and clammy and had bizarre heart palpitations. i figured i'd finally contracted the virus that had been making the rounds at work. we went home, and i stayed up late into the night with the chills, the weird heart palpitations and a shortness of breath.
it lingered into today, so i decided i probably should get it checked out. just in case.
well, it turns out i have a congenital heart defect that i was never aware of. apparently, there is a hole in my heart, between the two atria which is causing the palpitations. it isn't life-threatening (meaning, i won't die from it) but it is concerning as they have been known to cause clots that could lead to stroke, etc.
i will be setting up an appointment with a cardiologist later this week, will get a cardiac echo and will most likely have to have surgery to close the hole.
it's strange, having something like this, that you were born with, that you knew nothing about. and it manifests itself only 3 weeks after the fright we had with my wife. it's too soon for this shit. luckily, it's not THAT bad. if the hole were between the ventricles, i wouldn't be home now and, instead, would be having open heart surgery as i write this. the surgery to repair this hole is pretty damn slick and can be done going through an artery.
anyway, the hole in my heart will be plugged much like we are doing with the Guerilla Poetics Project. suturing a gap that severely needs to be done.
and, on top of that great news, is a touch of bad.
after my wife's scare three weeks ago, we aren't able to handle too much more; but, life just has a way of piling shit on top of shit.
yesterday, we decided to see a movie but had to suddenly leave when i started feeling anxious and clammy and had bizarre heart palpitations. i figured i'd finally contracted the virus that had been making the rounds at work. we went home, and i stayed up late into the night with the chills, the weird heart palpitations and a shortness of breath.
it lingered into today, so i decided i probably should get it checked out. just in case.
well, it turns out i have a congenital heart defect that i was never aware of. apparently, there is a hole in my heart, between the two atria which is causing the palpitations. it isn't life-threatening (meaning, i won't die from it) but it is concerning as they have been known to cause clots that could lead to stroke, etc.
i will be setting up an appointment with a cardiologist later this week, will get a cardiac echo and will most likely have to have surgery to close the hole.
it's strange, having something like this, that you were born with, that you knew nothing about. and it manifests itself only 3 weeks after the fright we had with my wife. it's too soon for this shit. luckily, it's not THAT bad. if the hole were between the ventricles, i wouldn't be home now and, instead, would be having open heart surgery as i write this. the surgery to repair this hole is pretty damn slick and can be done going through an artery.
anyway, the hole in my heart will be plugged much like we are doing with the Guerilla Poetics Project. suturing a gap that severely needs to be done.
30 August 2006
more good news
i received an email the other day from The Other Voices International Project stating that they plan to put out an anthology of the work published on their journal over the years, and my poem After Heidi committed suicide and a few weeks passed, letting it sink in; and after the wife and I sat at home for 5 straight nights, barely talking to each other; and after sharing a bottle of wine, finally letting the emotion wash over us like soap bubbles, she said, was selected for inclusion. very exciting. i had 8 poems published in Vol. 8 back in 2004. it's nice to know that of all of the times an editor has said he held anthology rights it finally paid off once.
22 August 2006
a touch of good news...
...for me,
a touch of bad news for Nerve Cowboy subscribers:
my poem "Letter to Glenn" was accepted for a future issue. damn glad to hear it. Nerve Cowboy is one of the best journals out there. very few are as consistently good and chock full of such amazing writing.
anyway, it was a bit of good news and it lifted my spirits considerably.
a touch of bad news for Nerve Cowboy subscribers:
my poem "Letter to Glenn" was accepted for a future issue. damn glad to hear it. Nerve Cowboy is one of the best journals out there. very few are as consistently good and chock full of such amazing writing.
anyway, it was a bit of good news and it lifted my spirits considerably.
quick update
it's been a week since she was released from the hopsital for her pulmonary embolism.
she is no longer on the low-molecular-weight heparin (Lovenox) and is now taking strictly Coumadin. her INR (blood-clotting level) is perfectly in the therapeutic range (it will take about 3X longer for her blood to clot than a normal person) and things are looking good so far.
she has been back to work since Wednesday of last week. so far so good there, too. she's doing her best to eliminate as much work-related stress as she can, and working even harder at relaxing during those times when stress is unavoidable.
we still get brief moments of panic and terror, but they are becoming more rare with each day.
i want to thank all of you, again, for your kind words. it's comforting to know others have experienced similar episodes and emotions and have made it through. it's good to know that there are people out there who care.
i hope to get back into blogging more regularly, soon. i need to finish a few things around the house and such, after which i'll be back in full force.
she is no longer on the low-molecular-weight heparin (Lovenox) and is now taking strictly Coumadin. her INR (blood-clotting level) is perfectly in the therapeutic range (it will take about 3X longer for her blood to clot than a normal person) and things are looking good so far.
she has been back to work since Wednesday of last week. so far so good there, too. she's doing her best to eliminate as much work-related stress as she can, and working even harder at relaxing during those times when stress is unavoidable.
we still get brief moments of panic and terror, but they are becoming more rare with each day.
i want to thank all of you, again, for your kind words. it's comforting to know others have experienced similar episodes and emotions and have made it through. it's good to know that there are people out there who care.
i hope to get back into blogging more regularly, soon. i need to finish a few things around the house and such, after which i'll be back in full force.
15 August 2006
the terror of your heart ripped from your solar plexis
some of you are already aware, but for those of you who don't know, my wife was admitted to the hospital this past Friday afternoon for a pulmonary embolism. her "PE" was due to a deep venous thrombosis (blood clot in her calf muscle) that was released into her bloodstream and then lodged in the arteries in her lungs. PEs are potentially fatal (allegedly 26% die from them), but we got lucky, caught it early enough and she is currently on treatment.
the story:
two Fridays ago (the 4th of August) my wife woke with a searing and horrific cramp in her left calf muscle, just below the knee pit. she had just begun working out for the first time about a month and a half and we initially thought it was a cramp due to that, and maybe some of the stress from her job (see previous post). the cramp responded to Ibuprofen and was only really bad at night and in the mornings. suddenly, the cramp stopped and the calf only ached a little. It must be getting better we thought.
then, on Wednesday (the 9th) my wife began experiencing a peculiar shortness of breath. suddenly, walking the dog around the block nearly floored her. merely walking up our one flight of stairs would wind her to the point of exhaustion. she knew something was wrong.
as luck would have it (not really, but the cliche works here), her father has a history of DVTs and PEs due to a sports-related injury he received when he was a teenager. he's lived with the fear ofsuddenly dying his whole life, having been on blood-thinners (Coumadin) since he was a young man. my wife knew of his condition and wondered if she might be experiencing the same thing.
she went to see our Primary Care Physician on Friday the 11th (having cancelled a previous appointment the day before because she couldn't get out of work early enough!!). our physician didn't think the muscle pain was due to a torn muscle, or muscle fatique, and ordered an ultrasound of the calf.
my wife drove to the clinic for the ultrasound, which showed a small (1 cm) clot behind the knee. the clot most likely caused the cramp. problem solved.
but what of the shortness of breath?
our physician's husband just so happens to be a cardiopulmonologist. she consulted with him and he suggested my wife high tail it to LDS Hospital for a pulmonary angiograph CT. she was pumped with radiocontrast dye and put in a CT tube. the angiograms showed multiple emboli in both lungs!
she was admitted to the ER for emergency treatment, then admitted into the hospital for 4 days of further treatment.
we got lucky. we got lucky that my wife's father had this condition in the past and it sparked a moment of recognition (or at least worry) in her. we are lucky our physician was concerned enough to order an ultrasound of the leg. we are lucky the leg still had a small thrombus that was visible. we are lucky our physician's husband specializes in this area of the body. we are lucky we caught it early enough for treatment.
and now we are home, after 4 harrowing, terror-filled days, and are on treatment. she was given a shot of Lovenox, a low-molecular weight heparin, in the subcutaneous fat of her belly immediately upon admittance in the ER. she continued those shots every 12 hours (and still will until Thursday of this week) -- i'm the one giving her the shots, which is so horrible for me as it bruises her something fierce. she was then given Coumadin by mouth and will continue that for 6 months, whereupon she will be removed from treatment, have further genetic testing, another angiogram and we'll go from there depending upon the findings of all the tests.
i mentioned the genetic testing above. this is done to assess a reason for her DVT and subsequent PE. so far, the doctors are mystified as to the reason. the main causes of DVT (and PE) are all non-factors for my wife (pregnancy, cancer, sedation, major surgery), except for the oral contraception she is on. oral contraception is a risk factor for DVT, and the older a woman gets the more at-risk she is. however, my wife is on a very low dose, and the doctors are fairly certain (and all are in agreement on this) that the birth control pills most likely had NO play in this episode.
if that's the case, then what caused it? with everything else ruled out, the only remaining options are genetic disorders (which are very rare, but so is getting a DVT and PE at her age with no other risk factors) or just plain, dumb luck (something you generally want to avoid, but is now something we are desperately hoping for). some of the genetic tests were done while she was in the ER, and all came back from the lab while she was admitted except one -- which should be back shortly. they all came back negative, except one (Protein S deficiency), but this test could have been skewed by the clot itself (which tends to gives a false-positive result) and by the fact the blood for the test was taken after her first dose of anti-coagulant (which definitely can skew the results). therefore, she needs to be retested after the 6 months of Coumadin treatment (plus 2 weeks for normal recovery of her blood clotting factors). Protein S deficiency is extremely rare (only 0.2% of the population has it) and her father DOES NOT have it, so she most likely doesn't either, but it is a concern. if she does have it, she'll be on Coumadin for life (not a great thing as she's so young, but better than the alternative). all we can hope for is a negative on the genetic testing, and no further PE or DVT episodes. if not, at least we know what to look for and can catch the DVT early enough that it should never progress to a PE.
NOTE: she may very well have a genetic disorder even if all current genetic tests are negative. the medical establishment is finding new disorder almost daily, and very likely will find another that could cause clotting issues. obviously, we would never know about it, but it's still a possibility.
so, that's the story of our weekend. i nearly lost the one person in this world i could afford to lose least. we experienced a terror unlike any we've experienced up to that point in our lives. unfortunately, we'll be faced with such terror in the future (almost all of us will) but i hope it's not for a long time to come.
we still get waves of panic at times, but we are working on getting back into our lives. it will take some time, but it will happen eventually.
for those of you who sent us emails (and/or visited us in the hospital) we THANK YOU from the deepest recesses of our hearts. the words THANK YOU don't convey how much your sentiments and words meant. we truly appreciate it.
and we are thankful for many things: for having such good friends and family; for being able to spend more time together with each other (and with you); for gaining a deeper understanding into our lives; for being so god damn lucky; and for gaining a fuller appreciation of each other.
things will probably change in our lives. strike that. DEFINITELY change. our diets will improve. our fitness levels will improve. our stress levels will decrease. our love for each other will grow stronger. and the things we care about most will NOT be put on the back burner of the stove of life, but instead will be moved to the front.
and lastly, again, THANK YOU ALL!
the story:
two Fridays ago (the 4th of August) my wife woke with a searing and horrific cramp in her left calf muscle, just below the knee pit. she had just begun working out for the first time about a month and a half and we initially thought it was a cramp due to that, and maybe some of the stress from her job (see previous post). the cramp responded to Ibuprofen and was only really bad at night and in the mornings. suddenly, the cramp stopped and the calf only ached a little. It must be getting better we thought.
then, on Wednesday (the 9th) my wife began experiencing a peculiar shortness of breath. suddenly, walking the dog around the block nearly floored her. merely walking up our one flight of stairs would wind her to the point of exhaustion. she knew something was wrong.
as luck would have it (not really, but the cliche works here), her father has a history of DVTs and PEs due to a sports-related injury he received when he was a teenager. he's lived with the fear ofsuddenly dying his whole life, having been on blood-thinners (Coumadin) since he was a young man. my wife knew of his condition and wondered if she might be experiencing the same thing.
she went to see our Primary Care Physician on Friday the 11th (having cancelled a previous appointment the day before because she couldn't get out of work early enough!!). our physician didn't think the muscle pain was due to a torn muscle, or muscle fatique, and ordered an ultrasound of the calf.
my wife drove to the clinic for the ultrasound, which showed a small (1 cm) clot behind the knee. the clot most likely caused the cramp. problem solved.
but what of the shortness of breath?
our physician's husband just so happens to be a cardiopulmonologist. she consulted with him and he suggested my wife high tail it to LDS Hospital for a pulmonary angiograph CT. she was pumped with radiocontrast dye and put in a CT tube. the angiograms showed multiple emboli in both lungs!
she was admitted to the ER for emergency treatment, then admitted into the hospital for 4 days of further treatment.
we got lucky. we got lucky that my wife's father had this condition in the past and it sparked a moment of recognition (or at least worry) in her. we are lucky our physician was concerned enough to order an ultrasound of the leg. we are lucky the leg still had a small thrombus that was visible. we are lucky our physician's husband specializes in this area of the body. we are lucky we caught it early enough for treatment.
and now we are home, after 4 harrowing, terror-filled days, and are on treatment. she was given a shot of Lovenox, a low-molecular weight heparin, in the subcutaneous fat of her belly immediately upon admittance in the ER. she continued those shots every 12 hours (and still will until Thursday of this week) -- i'm the one giving her the shots, which is so horrible for me as it bruises her something fierce. she was then given Coumadin by mouth and will continue that for 6 months, whereupon she will be removed from treatment, have further genetic testing, another angiogram and we'll go from there depending upon the findings of all the tests.
i mentioned the genetic testing above. this is done to assess a reason for her DVT and subsequent PE. so far, the doctors are mystified as to the reason. the main causes of DVT (and PE) are all non-factors for my wife (pregnancy, cancer, sedation, major surgery), except for the oral contraception she is on. oral contraception is a risk factor for DVT, and the older a woman gets the more at-risk she is. however, my wife is on a very low dose, and the doctors are fairly certain (and all are in agreement on this) that the birth control pills most likely had NO play in this episode.
if that's the case, then what caused it? with everything else ruled out, the only remaining options are genetic disorders (which are very rare, but so is getting a DVT and PE at her age with no other risk factors) or just plain, dumb luck (something you generally want to avoid, but is now something we are desperately hoping for). some of the genetic tests were done while she was in the ER, and all came back from the lab while she was admitted except one -- which should be back shortly. they all came back negative, except one (Protein S deficiency), but this test could have been skewed by the clot itself (which tends to gives a false-positive result) and by the fact the blood for the test was taken after her first dose of anti-coagulant (which definitely can skew the results). therefore, she needs to be retested after the 6 months of Coumadin treatment (plus 2 weeks for normal recovery of her blood clotting factors). Protein S deficiency is extremely rare (only 0.2% of the population has it) and her father DOES NOT have it, so she most likely doesn't either, but it is a concern. if she does have it, she'll be on Coumadin for life (not a great thing as she's so young, but better than the alternative). all we can hope for is a negative on the genetic testing, and no further PE or DVT episodes. if not, at least we know what to look for and can catch the DVT early enough that it should never progress to a PE.
NOTE: she may very well have a genetic disorder even if all current genetic tests are negative. the medical establishment is finding new disorder almost daily, and very likely will find another that could cause clotting issues. obviously, we would never know about it, but it's still a possibility.
so, that's the story of our weekend. i nearly lost the one person in this world i could afford to lose least. we experienced a terror unlike any we've experienced up to that point in our lives. unfortunately, we'll be faced with such terror in the future (almost all of us will) but i hope it's not for a long time to come.
we still get waves of panic at times, but we are working on getting back into our lives. it will take some time, but it will happen eventually.
for those of you who sent us emails (and/or visited us in the hospital) we THANK YOU from the deepest recesses of our hearts. the words THANK YOU don't convey how much your sentiments and words meant. we truly appreciate it.
and we are thankful for many things: for having such good friends and family; for being able to spend more time together with each other (and with you); for gaining a deeper understanding into our lives; for being so god damn lucky; and for gaining a fuller appreciation of each other.
things will probably change in our lives. strike that. DEFINITELY change. our diets will improve. our fitness levels will improve. our stress levels will decrease. our love for each other will grow stronger. and the things we care about most will NOT be put on the back burner of the stove of life, but instead will be moved to the front.
and lastly, again, THANK YOU ALL!
09 August 2006
employment follies
my wife hates her job.
absolutely hates it.
she's a microbiologist for a medical device testing lab. they're a local company started by (and named for) a brilliant Ph.D. microbiologist who thought he could fill a niche in the medical device testing arena. he was right.
the company shall remain nameless, until they fuck my wife over (which they will undoubtedly do eventually), and then it will be posted all over this fucking blog. but, like i said, it's named after this guy who started the company. anyway, he retired a few years ago and his unqualified, incompetent, far-less-brilliant, new-business-loving son took over. he's a bush-league CEO and is running the company into the ground. i can't help but smile at that thought. what a moron. how anyone can fail at running such a potentially lucrative company is besides me. but, the stupid will never cease to amaze.
well, some of the things my wife has told me that goes on there range from mind-boggling to downright unethical. she has been looking for a new job for a long time now, with no luck. fortunately, she found another job recently. unfortunately, it's for the same company, doing a completely different job; but i hope it works out for her. at the very least, she'll be removed from her bitch of a boss. however, she's still working for this small-fry company.
the employee turnover at this company is sick. i've never seen anything like it in the science field. it's insane. moreover, my wife told me that they run the company like a gulag: with fear and threats. apparently, one guy, who has worked there for a number of years and had a stellar, hard-working reputation, made a mistake one weekend: he forgot to notate when he took something out of the incubator. he threw that something away, and on the following Monday realized his mistake. his boss accused him of forging documents (a terrible, humongous no-no in a regulated field, and a very serious accusation). the stuff was later found in the trash and he was exonerated, but not after his name was dragged through the mud and certain, specific restraints had been placed on him.
these restraints are purely fascist in nature and (should be) illegal, whatever they are, they are unethical and scary wrong: he had the people who reported to him removed from his managership, he was docked all of his vacation for the next few years, he is now forced to justify all of his work and is basically NOT TRUSTED at all. and lastly, he was forced to sign a document that said he wouldn't discuss WITH ANYONE these overly harsh and unjust measures levied against him. i'm serious! and he didn't even do anything wrong but make a notation mistake on a weekend. i suppose he would've been tar, feathered and strung up for the magpies to peck at had he actually committed the crime.
a fucking Nazi-company if ever there was one.
christ on a stick.
the guy is looking for a new job, obviously; and didn't comply with the document, obviously (or how else did i find out?), thereby sticking it to the man. good for him.
but, my god. these are people struggling with families and mortgages and unable to afford to lose their job. and they're being fucked around with. i tell you, if my wife ever has anything like this attempted to be forced upon her, there will be a huge lawsuit, a big FUCK YOU to incompetent daddy's boy, and a anonymous call to FDA.
"uh, Mr. Eschenbach, have you ever heard of REDACTED REDACTED in Salt Lake City, Utah? no? oh, well, you should pay them an unannounced visit some day. if you do, check out their REDACTED lab and REDACTED. and be sure not to miss their REDACTED REDACTED lab. i think you'll find something very interesting indeed."
anyway, when she told me the kind of shit that goes on there (there's a ton more, but i can't say too much lest the fascists start monitoring my correspondences (Tommy? Frimp? are you there?)) i couldn't believe what i was hearing. losing your vacation? being forced to sign a document saying you wouldn't discuss it? what the fuck? what are they, the Spanish fucking Inquisition?
christ.
the only good thing that will come of this is the turnover will remain high, the company will continue to falter and dipshit daddy's boy will fail like he was born to do.
sayonara motherfucker.
oh, and if you're in need of a damn fine microbiologist who is a hard worker and a quick learner, give me a holler. i know someone who fits that description to a T. AND, she will never take maternity leave on your ass. ;)
absolutely hates it.
she's a microbiologist for a medical device testing lab. they're a local company started by (and named for) a brilliant Ph.D. microbiologist who thought he could fill a niche in the medical device testing arena. he was right.
the company shall remain nameless, until they fuck my wife over (which they will undoubtedly do eventually), and then it will be posted all over this fucking blog. but, like i said, it's named after this guy who started the company. anyway, he retired a few years ago and his unqualified, incompetent, far-less-brilliant, new-business-loving son took over. he's a bush-league CEO and is running the company into the ground. i can't help but smile at that thought. what a moron. how anyone can fail at running such a potentially lucrative company is besides me. but, the stupid will never cease to amaze.
well, some of the things my wife has told me that goes on there range from mind-boggling to downright unethical. she has been looking for a new job for a long time now, with no luck. fortunately, she found another job recently. unfortunately, it's for the same company, doing a completely different job; but i hope it works out for her. at the very least, she'll be removed from her bitch of a boss. however, she's still working for this small-fry company.
the employee turnover at this company is sick. i've never seen anything like it in the science field. it's insane. moreover, my wife told me that they run the company like a gulag: with fear and threats. apparently, one guy, who has worked there for a number of years and had a stellar, hard-working reputation, made a mistake one weekend: he forgot to notate when he took something out of the incubator. he threw that something away, and on the following Monday realized his mistake. his boss accused him of forging documents (a terrible, humongous no-no in a regulated field, and a very serious accusation). the stuff was later found in the trash and he was exonerated, but not after his name was dragged through the mud and certain, specific restraints had been placed on him.
these restraints are purely fascist in nature and (should be) illegal, whatever they are, they are unethical and scary wrong: he had the people who reported to him removed from his managership, he was docked all of his vacation for the next few years, he is now forced to justify all of his work and is basically NOT TRUSTED at all. and lastly, he was forced to sign a document that said he wouldn't discuss WITH ANYONE these overly harsh and unjust measures levied against him. i'm serious! and he didn't even do anything wrong but make a notation mistake on a weekend. i suppose he would've been tar, feathered and strung up for the magpies to peck at had he actually committed the crime.
a fucking Nazi-company if ever there was one.
christ on a stick.
the guy is looking for a new job, obviously; and didn't comply with the document, obviously (or how else did i find out?), thereby sticking it to the man. good for him.
but, my god. these are people struggling with families and mortgages and unable to afford to lose their job. and they're being fucked around with. i tell you, if my wife ever has anything like this attempted to be forced upon her, there will be a huge lawsuit, a big FUCK YOU to incompetent daddy's boy, and a anonymous call to FDA.
"uh, Mr. Eschenbach, have you ever heard of REDACTED REDACTED in Salt Lake City, Utah? no? oh, well, you should pay them an unannounced visit some day. if you do, check out their REDACTED lab and REDACTED. and be sure not to miss their REDACTED REDACTED lab. i think you'll find something very interesting indeed."
anyway, when she told me the kind of shit that goes on there (there's a ton more, but i can't say too much lest the fascists start monitoring my correspondences (Tommy? Frimp? are you there?)) i couldn't believe what i was hearing. losing your vacation? being forced to sign a document saying you wouldn't discuss it? what the fuck? what are they, the Spanish fucking Inquisition?
christ.
the only good thing that will come of this is the turnover will remain high, the company will continue to falter and dipshit daddy's boy will fail like he was born to do.
sayonara motherfucker.
oh, and if you're in need of a damn fine microbiologist who is a hard worker and a quick learner, give me a holler. i know someone who fits that description to a T. AND, she will never take maternity leave on your ass. ;)
and out of the blue...
i get an email from The Stinging Fly saying they liked my poem The Perfect Night and that they want to publish it. you might remember that i posted recently about a rejection i received from them. i only got three poems back in the rejection, but i don't keep records of which poems i send where (i know, i know) so i had no idea that they had actually kept one. so, i guess it wasn't a rejection after all.
plus, they pay 50 pounds -- or maybe it was Euros, i don't know -- (not sure what that is in American dollars, either) and two contributor's copies. hot damn. The Stinging Fly is a great glossy, perfect bound journal out of Dublin, Ireland. gorgeous production and filled with damn fine poetry.
this poet's life contributor Brian McGettrick (bmcg) had a featured poet spread in a previous issue. and it was great stuff.
i'm gonna have to come up with something good to spend my monies. boy oh boy.
lastly, my weekly column Background Noise was posted over on Upright Against The Savage Heavens this past Sunday. i forgot to mention it. this week i talk about poetry slams and open-mic nights, and what reading poetry aloud to an audience is good for, if anything.
plus, they pay 50 pounds -- or maybe it was Euros, i don't know -- (not sure what that is in American dollars, either) and two contributor's copies. hot damn. The Stinging Fly is a great glossy, perfect bound journal out of Dublin, Ireland. gorgeous production and filled with damn fine poetry.
this poet's life contributor Brian McGettrick (bmcg) had a featured poet spread in a previous issue. and it was great stuff.
i'm gonna have to come up with something good to spend my monies. boy oh boy.
lastly, my weekly column Background Noise was posted over on Upright Against The Savage Heavens this past Sunday. i forgot to mention it. this week i talk about poetry slams and open-mic nights, and what reading poetry aloud to an audience is good for, if anything.
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